“Did You Kiss Anyone?” is premiering at the Bagdad Theater exactly one week before Valentine’s Day–a day many people desperately need a date. The easiest way to start a conversation with anyone at the screening is to ask: “Did you work on the movie?” Over 100 Portlanders worked on this movie, so your chances are good. And if neither of you did, you have that in common, so start making out.
If you need more inspiration to hit on a stranger, just imagine you’re IN a movie….
Romantic Comedy Style
As you slide past in the aisle, clumsily spill your beer in his/her lap. Apologize profusely and start dabbing napkins in inappropriate places (if a guy, on his crotch region; if a girl, on her boob region). Suddenly become mortified by your additional blunder. One week later, walk past the boutique shop they own and spill a frappachino on him/her. Talk about finding your one true soulmate, then discover he/she is engaged. Help plan their wedding. Just before the ceremony, spill champagne on him/her, profess your love, then dash home. Wait while he/she runs to your brownstone apartment in the rain where finally you kiss.
Quirky Sundance Movie Style
You’re sitting alone in the theater while everyone else is shallowly enjoying their unexamined lives, distracted by their iPhones. Then you notice a manic pixie dream girl sulking at the end of the aisle, also alone. She’s reading a used paperback copy of Cat’s Cradle, so you slowly raise your vintage copy of Breakfast of Champions. You nod to each other as the lights dim for “Did You Kiss Anyone?” After the movie, you’re stuck in the aisle behind shallow people tweeting their reactions and she gets away. But she left her book on the seat! There’s a name written on the inside cover. You write your name, cryptic geographic coordinates, and a date/time under her name then turn it into the Lost and Found. You sulk around while an Elliot Smith song plays. You do a lot of staring and have difficulty communicating with your overbearing mother/grandfather. On a gloomy day, you sit waiting on a park bench in an ironically outdated suit as a Menomena song plays. The girl from the theater arrives in a funeral dress: “Thanks for returning my book.” You notice scars on her wrists. You do not kiss, you simply sit on the bench next to each other staring ahead as a Decemberists song plays.
Spy Movie Style
He’s the most handsome man in the theater–and also alone. This works out well for you because you’re there to assassinate him. Somehow you manage to lose him in the pizza line. You take a seat in the balcony, scanning the crowd for him. “Looking for someone?” He’s in the row behind you. You feel a gun pressed against the back of your skull. “I’m here to kill you,” he says. “But you’re too beautiful.” “I’m here to kill you,” you say, cocking the gun already pointed at his heart. With guns pointed at each other, you watch the movie and fall in love. Over drinks at the Back Stage Bar, you hatch a plot to fake your deaths so you can live together on a tropical island. Operation Romeo and Juliet is a crazy plan… but maybe just crazy enough to work.
French Movie Style
You see her dragging her cello case down the aisle. Who brings a cello case to a movie? Only the most brooding and troubled woman in the world, whom you must meet. You immediately begin an affair that includes full frontal nudity, lots of smoking, but sadly, no berets. There is a complicated political metaphor that defines your relationship and which makes it impossible for you to stay together. She’s heartbroken and you find her on the Hawthorne bridge with her cello case. You are sure she is going to jump to her death. Instead, she plays a song on her cello that halts all traffic and people from all walks of life, all political views, are momentarily joined together by music. She kisses you on the forehead, then jumps to her death. Fin.
Meta Experimental Style
You ask, “Did you work on the movie?” They answer, no. You say, “I promise I won’t spill my beer on you or try to assassinate you.” They uncomfortably avoid eye contact and move one seat away. You explain that you were actually referring to a blog post the director wrote, giving tips on how to flirt with strangers at his screening. They ask, “Are you flirting with me?” You say, “Your exact response was predicted in his blog post. And even what I’m saying now is verbatim from the blog post.” “It’s like a movie within a blog post within a movie theater.” You point to the screen, where a Kiss Off message is being shown with those exact words. You begin making out with your future Valentine’s date until the movie starts and you both realize you forgot to silence your cell phones.
I sincerely believe any of these techniques have a 100% chance of working, unless you do something to blow it. See you at the Bagdad: Tuesday February 7th, 7pm!